Should Have
by none of this im fine business
Summary: The day Lily and James died should have been a day love. A bunch of should have's and a sad Lily/James love story.


A/N: So this is Lily and James. I know they're OOC. I don't think they're really like that, I just wrote them like that. I also know that some event timing is changed.

* * *

The day Lily and James got together should have been a day of celebration.

**000ooo000ooo000**

Lily was resigned. Not just tired of the fights and the flirting, but tired of the whole wizarding world. She was tired of the mudbloods, of the lowered grades, of the separation. She was tired of dreaming. She was tired of deluding herself. This was life; this was how it was going to be. And so, following that resignation, came the resignation to James.

"Hey Evans, wanna go on a date?" Potter said. "I know you do!"

Lily sighed. "I don't _want_ to go on a date with you, but I will go." And this was mostly why this day wasn't one for celebration. Lily didn't want the black eyes or the shredded homework anymore. And she thought if she was dating a pureblood, maybe people would give her some space, or at least, Potter himself would protect her. She really hated that thought, that Lily couldn't do something for herself. She was independent. But the world she lived in was so twisted she had to marry herself off to some arrogant prat to actually have a future, and she despised it.

Potter's mouth dropped open. Lily smirked. He wasn't expecting that.

"Are you serious, you'll go out with me?"

"Not so sure of yourself now, are you Potter? Yes I'll bloody go out with you." Black laughed.

"Only took you five years, mate! Huh, you really scored Evans." Black said.

Lily scowled at that. She wasn't an object. Women had no bloody rights, no say, and especially not muggleborn ones at that. This world was stealing her love, her true life. It was forcing her to manipulate Potter for her benefit. Lily couldn't even figure out why she stayed in the wizarding world. There was a Dark Lord out to get her and people like her, and she had no say in anything.

**000ooo000ooo000**

James was astonished. And of course, he was happy, but not as much as he should be. James Potter was a spoiled boy, who got everything he wanted. His life was a dream, and he was filled with dilutions. He didn't know how crooked the world was. The one thing he did know was how good looking he was. The things he did were become popular, prank, and go out with girls. Finally getting Evans after five years was an accomplishment, but that was it. He wasn't really in love with her like he said. This was why it wasn't a day for celebration. She was just another bird who he had to work to get. He was the classic boy, wanted what he couldn't have. But, even though he didn't really like Evans, he wasn't going to let her go.

"Well then Evans, I'll see you at the next Hogsmeade weekend?" James said.

"You'll see me in Transfiguration Potter." Evans said with an eye role. "But you'll also see me then." She walked away.

He was happy with himself. James knew this would get him the attention he always sought when he fought with Evans. Going out with her would create the same effect. Plus she really was everything he needed, smart and nice (so she would help him with homework), pretty, and a statement. The rest of the purebloods would take her as a message; the Potters are against the Dark Lord.

* * *

The day James' parents died should have been a day of mourning.

**000ooo000ooo000**

Lily, at first, was slightly happy. After, she was completely disgusted with herself. James, as she was finally calling him halfway through seventh year, was a spoiled git sometimes. And she knew it wasn't really his fault; it was his parent's. And so, with his spoiling parents gone, maybe she could change him to be a better man. And after that thought, she was disgusted with herself, and after a while, the whole wizarding world. Herself, for being selfish, and the wizarding world, for causing her to be selfish. Maybe she was being dishonest with herself for blaming it on the wizarding world, but that was how she thought of it.

After few weeks, James started complaining. He was left with the whole bloody Potter fortune, another thing she got out of this relationship. He wasn't smart enough to manage it.

"Why do I have to do any of this? Why do I need a statement every month of how much money I have? I don't care, as long as I don't run out of it!" James said. This made Lily mad. It wasn't that hard! And he shouldn't be complaining. He should just be happy he has a fortune to manage.

"I can do it for you." Lily suggested.

"I can do it." He retorted.

"Are you sure?" Lily soothed. She had a good mask. She probably would have been in Slytherin if she had been a pureblood. "I can take it off your shoulders, honey." She knew it was better she do it. She knew James would never admit that she was doing the work _men_ should do, but she was the one who took Arithmancy and was less likely to mess the whole bloody thing up. Also, if she was going to be taken advantage of, it would be on her terms. For Lily, this was a day full of anger.

**000ooo000ooo000**

James was angry, with himself, and his parents. Himself, for not understanding any of this bloody crap, and his parents, for dying. He was a Potter; he shouldn't have to do this.

"Why don't we just pay someone?" He said venomously. His anger was slowly getting out of hand. He didn't care about the stocks or the companies the Potters were funding.

"I'm sorry Jay, but no one you can trust."

"Fine." He spat. "You do it. Don't screw it up." He had an underlying threat to his words, if she told anyone about this, they were done. Now, James was mad with the whole world. He was screaming to himself, why are they dead? Life was so bloody unfair. Why did the world make Voldemorts, and, he thought, why did it make me a manipulator? James stalked off. He was to mad to speak. Some part of him just wanted to cry, the people who had helped him grow up were gone, but he was too mad. All he wanted to do was punch a wall.

* * *

The day James proposed should have been a day of excitement.

**000ooo000ooo000**

Lily expected it. Really it was as if she had planned the whole thing. She did have to give James credit for picking up her hints though. She had one day causally mentioned her ring size. The next day causally said that she totally envied Alice soon-to-be-Longbottom, not as in she wanted to marry Frank, as she later had to explain though. That wasn't a lie. She envied Alice because she could marry for love. Sometimes she told herself so was she; she was marrying because of the love for her future child. She, of course, wouldn't care what kind of blood her child had, but she didn't want this for them. James was kneeling down.

"Lils, I know you want me to get to the point, so I will. Even though I've been in love with you since fourth year, in this time I've spent with you, I've fallen in love with you again. We've been through a lot together, and I want to go through more with you. Will you marry me?" James said. Even though most of what he said was a lie, Lily still felt nervous. She had in time grown to respect James. He really was an alright person, just to care-free for her. She had tried to teach him not be so care-free, but that was who he was. He did become more observant though. And they really had been though a lot together, a lot of pretending.

She was sad. Lily felt as though she was mourning herself. This was the start of a new page in her life, really in love or not. This was the start of housewife Lily and the end of independent Lily. She was slightly nauseated. This was big; a big change. She snapped herself out of it. She had a part to play.

**00ooo000ooo000**

James was scared. He was scared of married life. It held a lot of responsibility. Getting Lily to accept was the easy part. The hard part for him was everything after, and, oh _merlin_, wedding planning. He opened the box with the ring. It was a diamond and emerald ring. He didn't really like green that much, but James wasn't wearing it. If there was one thing Lily and he did well together it was pretending to be in love.

"Yes, of course I'll marry you!" He stayed kneeling. He was repeating himself to play the part. He had gone over this many times. Although he and Lily never really talked about this fake relationship, they had a sort of agreement. They would tell no one, convince everyone, never break up, and do whatever it took to make those things happen. He and Lily also never talked about their acting. He had no idea what Lily was going to say to his so-shocked-I'm-still-kneeling decision.

"You silly boy, get up!" Lily pulled him up. And then promptly kissed him. They were good, oh so good at pretending. The only person who even suspected it was Remus. But there wasn't anything they could do about Moony now that the suspicion was placed. All they could do was hope he didn't catch on. Sirius coughed.

"James, my friend, your love life is almost movie perfect, and even though it is, you can't kiss forever. You have congratulations to receive." Remus said. James groaned to himself. There was Moony's tip-off that he knew they're faking. Remus had said that their love life was to perfect and fluffy and he didn't believe it. James was scared.

* * *

The day Lily and James found out they're going to be parents, they should have been crying tears of happiness.

**000ooo000ooo000**

At first, Lily was ecstatic. That was before they saw Dumbledore. He had just dropped the prophecy bomb on James and her. Lily was too shocked for words. She didn't think she could have said anything for the life of her. It was evident a couple seconds later James didn't share that thought with her.

"Holy shit." He said. That definitely summed the whole feeling up. Lily was so unprepared for what Dumbledore had to say. It was unexpected and unwelcome. Lily was due in time so that their child could be the one of the prophecy, and she couldn't believe it. She guessed that maybe she should be happy. Their child would become a hero! Or, she thought miserably, die. Dumbledore was smiling. Lily would have given anything to magic the sparkle out from behind those half-moon spectacles.

"Alice Longbottom is also due in the right time. It's either you two or them. Only time will tell." Dumbledore said.

When they got home Lily was still shocked. She still hadn't said anything. For everything she gave for something somewhat normal, she gets this. The first thing she said was when they walked through the door.

"Can you bloody fucking believe it?" Her voice was filled with such desperation she almost winced when she said it. She was being so vulnerable. It was very unlike her to crack. And so James kissed her. It wasn't a loving one, or an angry one, just a slow, desperate kiss. That led to other things. The one thing Lily noticed was how his hands were always on her stomach. She had never needed someone so much.

**000ooo000ooo000**

James was learning. In the nine months when Lily grew more and more pregnant, they learned about one another. They didn't fall in love; James wouldn't describe it that way. He thought of it as needing someone and reaching out to whoever was there. They knew each other back to front. James knew Lily's favourite food, her worst pet peeve, the place on her back where it was always sore. She and James were brought together by desperation and it strengthened their bond, but James didn't feel the connection. She wasn't "the one". As July came by, James became progressively more nervous. He hadn't really thought about what they were going to do if this really happened, if their child was the one of the prophecy. Now he was thinking about if Voldemort found out. They would be forced into hiding and never come out. What kind of life was that?

Once Lily went into labour, James thought they both knew. Neither of them had told their friends the prophecy, so no one knew what this all meant. Silently, James was wishing Lily would be in labour just a couple more hours. He did know how terrible it was to wish your wife was in pain for longer, but he was sure she was hoping it too. The rest of the night was mostly a blur. He remembered walking out to go to the restroom and then being called back in saying your wife is having the baby. He knew when he came back in the room by the look on Lily's face; she had just realized it was either them or the Longbottom's. The healer was handing Lily their child.

"What are you naming him?" the Healer said. They had decided a while back that they wanted to give their kid a normal name.

"Harry," Lily whispered. "His name is Harry." Harry was crying, Lily was crying, and so was James. He wasn't crying tears of happiness though. He was saddened, saddened immensely, that their child might wear the burden of having to become the saviour of the wizarding world. Really, James thought, it was their burden, Lily and him. Because yes, it might be the child who was defeating the Dark Lord, but if the child doesn't have a good childhood, they aren't taught well, it falls to the parents. And that had a chance of being them.

* * *

The day Lily and James died should have been a day of love.

**000ooo000ooo000**

Lily was relieved. Instantly after though, she rid that though from her mind. Being relieved, for Lily meant giving up, and she was a fighter. James' words were ringing through her head, _Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! I'll hold him off!_ She had no idea they'd be his last. She knew she should be running upstairs to Harry in his crib, but she was stuck staring out the window. It was a pretty moment, the wind tickling the leaves, whistling long solemn notes, trees dancing to the tune. It was an absurd thought for the situation, and she knew it, but for then she was stuck rooted to the ground watching. She wasn't sure how she expected a Dark Lord to make an entrance, but it wasn't knocking. It was Voldemort's knocking that broke her out of her stupor.

She and James shared a look. Lily moved toward the stairs. As she stared at the opening door, she saw spots covering her vision. The panic was finally setting in. This could be the last day of her life. But overruling the panic was disappointment, not about dying, but about how her life was lived. She believed that you only get one life, and she wished that she could have lived in a different one. And then the spots cleared. When she saw what they cleared to, she almost wished they hadn't. For there in her living room, was Tom Riddle.

"It was rude of you to not let me in." The Dark Lord said, and then "Avada Kedavra!" That was when Lily turned and ran up the stairs, not even looking to see if the curse hit. There were 20 stairs, she knew that, and she let her rhythmic step diffuse the panic inside her. Absent mindedly she had been counting the steps and on 14 she tripped. In that moment she forgot everything, except get to Harry, and to get him safe. As she climbed the rest of the stairs and ran down the hall as fast as she bloody could, she told herself to stop worrying about James and herself, and think about Harry.

But even as she opened the door to Harry's crying, she couldn't help but admire the pretty view outside again. The flowers had joined the song, swaying to the rhythm, the sunset giving the scene a dreamy feel. This might be the last time she would see something this pretty, Lily thought. And the relief, that retched relief settled back into her, staying this time. And although it was horribly selfish, and she knew, she was glad that it might all be over. For even though she hadn't allowed herself to think it before, she was angry, that the burden of having of possibly having their child be the one in a prophecy on two people so young. Now she was relieved it would be gone. All these emotions and thoughts came in a second, overwhelming her.

**000ooo000ooo000**

James was relieved. The moment he said, _I'll hold him off_, was when the feeling started. For him, it was a tired relief. It caved in on him, but instead of feeling burdened, he felt lifted, lighter. The green void that just passed him overrode that feeling with panic, panic like flashing lights. As he moved out of the way of the second killing curse, he got thinking. How did Voldemort get to them?

That was when he realized something happened to Wormtail. He had two conflicting emotions when he about that. He hoped that even if he didn't make it, Peter did, and he wished Peter could have put in more effort. His loyalty to his friend won over, and he hoped that Wormtail hadn't been tortured for the information and that Voldemort wouldn't kill Wormtail now. James didn't have time for deep thoughts; dodging killing curses took up too much of it. He didn't think about who told the Dark Lord that Wormtail was the secret keeper or about the possibility that Wormtail could be a Death Eater himself.

The battle itself wasn't that big. James knew he could never defeat Voldemort. It was his child, or the Neville, that would. He was just buying Lily and Harry time and stalling his own death, and he knew it. The relief that came from knowing that this was his last job, which seemed small no matter how big the job really was, was an accepting relief. Not a tired one, in fact, the emotion seemed emotionless.

Even this whole duel took a matter of minutes; to James it felt like hours. He felt disconnected to his body like his body was a robot and he had the controllers, but the signal wasn't very good, so whenever he moved controllers it would be a little bit later before the robot really moved. So this was how he fought, in a weird slow-motion, feeling like he was walking through gel instead of air. When the final killing curse came at him, James knew he wasn't going to be able to dodge it. He wasn't going to be able to block it with something. He knew these were his last moments. And so, he looked back behind him, up the stairs. It was a picturesque moment. Voldemort was standing by the door, you could only see his silhouette and one eye, so filled with power it was almost red. The killing curse was already out of his wand on the other side of the room, about to hit James. That bright green, it was enticingly scary. In between James and green light, was a window. Outside you could see the normal world, there was park. And the lights in the house on Voldemort's side had gone off, putting him in slight darkness. And of course, James and his turned head. His expression was of acceptance, but his stance was of defeat. His posture was screaming I'm sorry.

Most would think that means he was looking back at his wife, or child, and thinking, I'm sorry for leaving you, or I love you. But James, he was feeling guilty. He had stolen the perfect death. He would die a hero, with no one knowing how welcome the feeling was, he was getting the terrible burden of life off his shoulders with no one knowing how much relief that brought to him. He was guilty because he knew Lily wanted it too, and now he was stealing the feeling. For everything to be over at last.

Neither of them knew that they were the start to everything.


End file.
